I initially sent this text in an email to an Armenian friend of mine, Lilit Karapetyan. It describes a dream that I had:
Um, I may have already told you this stuff, but it not only makes good copy but it is imperative to understanding a little of the heaviness of what He said to me.
Each time I would pray or ponder about marrying Sarah, I would always get the feeling "NOT YET," which went ignored. In the temple, the answer I received was "it's reasonable, but NOT YET." Reasonable is a key word in the interaction.
Okay, so I was not able to sleep. Larry and Mama were both out of town, so I was down on the couch just looking out into the dark. Eventually my body just turned off and lo and behold, I was sleeping.
The next thing that I remember was being on my hands and knees with my eyes closed. I opened them and I saw two feet; I knew whose they were. Yes, it's one of those "kiss Jesus' feet" dreams. Suddenly I was filled with two very strong and very polar emotions. First was joy: joy for not being consumed while in his presence. Then I felt an acute feeling of pain and sorrow, because I knew that the reason I could be with him is because he had taken my sins and made me worthy. So there I was feeling all of this joy and all of this bitter pain, and I began to weep and caress his feet with my cheek, and tenderly kissing them.
Then he spoke: "Michael."
"Yes, Lord?" (these were the only two words I said during the entire dream)
"You are kissing my feet."
"Yes, Lord."
"When you are blessed with a wife, you must kiss her and treat her as tenderly and as lovingly as you are kissing me now."
"Yes, Lord."
"Michael."
"Yes, Lord."
"Come here."
"Yes, Lord."
And he lifted me into his arms. My feet weren't even touching the ground, but I didn't have strength to stand anyway. He just held me in so tight and so close, and I felt so warm and so loved. Then that feeling of pain and sorrow was snuffed out like a flame, and in it's stead the feeling of joy grew and expanded, and I wept there in his arms for the intense love that I felt.
"Michael."
"Yes, Lord."
"Do you feel how much I love you?"
"Yes, Lord."
"We are of the same parentage. We are the same creation, the same creature. You need to learn to love yourself the same way that I love you. When you can love yourself this way, you will be blessed with a wife, but not yet; it is not yet reasonable."
I woke up at this point, in tears of course, and with no recollection whatsoever of my dream. The hallway light was on, my guitar was on the floor over there, and there was a dim light slowly moving around the computer room from the dull screen saver. And I was happy! I was sooo full of joy and peace and comfort, and I couldn't even remember why! But it was wonderful. Then just like before but in reverse, the joy I felt came back down as evenly as a feeling of sorrow came up within me, until they were both even. Back to reality, Mike: I still have to repent. I still have to face my misdeeds and do my part before I can fully experience that joy.
I was able to fall asleep again, and when I awoke a few more hours later I had a very vidid recollection of the entire experience.
